How does Autism affect your sex life?

Let’s be honest sex is great, anyone whose tried it likes it, and I mean a lot.

This is a subject that I find is a bit of a taboo within the Autism community and it bothers me, so by writing this article I will hopefully allow people on the spectrum to feel more comfortable about the subject.

When you’re in your final years of school you start to fancy people and this makes you want to spend time with them and you get these urges, which are very healthy by the way, this is you wanting to get “jiggy with it” as the youth of today say.

The problem of school is that there’s a lot of social pressures and all the guys are in a desperate bid to lose their virginity. Being Autistic I found this very difficult because I had no concept how to flirt and how to talk to girls in a suggestive way.

I find that a lot of it is “vibes”, this is something that does not make sense to me at all. When talking to someone of the opposite sex and they’re flirting with me it goes completely un-noticed, still at the age of 27, but as I’m unaware of it and I couldn’t tell you when the opportunities were missed.

On the rare occasion when I’m successful it’s because it’s been made obvious e.g. the girl asks me out or they lean closer for a cuddle.


Now sex really in an ideal world sex should be planned to a schedule;

Posh Cat

But seriously Autistic people love a routine and everything has to planned and if it doesn’t happen, uh-oh potential meltdown. This is one area I struggled with as sex is generally never planned it just happens, SURPRISE!

I struggled a lot with this because in my head I would say “Today at round 19.30 I would to fornicate with my girlfriend”. Of course being Autistic seduction is not one of my strong suits, so I would my girlfriend and say, “Can we have sex……please?” A man asking you outright is not an attractive, I mean if a man asked me I wouldn’t like it either.

When they say no, it would upset because it was a sudden routine change and it would hurt and they could see it. I’ll be honest it’s not fair to think that a woman would have sex with you on your command. This has caused rows, thankfully not awful ones and I look back and think I wish I wasn’t a sex pest.

Here come the serious part;

Anxiety affects everything I do including sex, but how? When I’m presented with someone willing to have with me I can get anxious because I didn’t know what to expect. The “unknown” and not knowing what to expect was just too much.

It took me a while to be able to enjoy sex, but thankfully I met a partner who was very understanding and patient with me. Sadly we are no longer together but I’m happy on my own being able to focus on what’s important in my life and, personally after everything I’ve been through, sex is not one of the most important aspects in my life.

Tom Bowes

(Autistic Genius)


2 thoughts on “How does Autism affect your sex life?

  1. Thank you for writing about this!! I often worry about my daughter and how her life will be impacted when she reaches adulthood! Your posts, videos, and blog really help! Keep it up!


  2. the actual act itself is also quite difficult in relation to sensory issues. Most people like to be stroked or caressed where as for me that makes me feel like i’m being tortured. I like deep pressure. I can’t stand being sucked , licked, kissed or nibbled on most parts of my body and these are general ‘to do’s’ in relation to foreplay. So if you’re with a partner who is older or has had other relationships it’s almost like they have to start all over again. It is a messy, confusing, uncomfortable time which is why it is soooooooo important to save it for that very special person. someone who you can totaly be yourself around and as you said someone who is very patient. then it can be so incredible, a wonderful delightful experience. Because for as uncomfortable as it can be it is so important as it is the one act that sets your relationship with that person apart from all other relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

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